Overwhelming Love

I’m going to explode.

I’m not sure what it is today, but my heart is beating out of my chest and I feel like I couldn’t possibly muster up any more love than I already have.

Seriously, all I did was look behind me at my 2 pups lying in my office with me while I worked and thought about how much I love them. I’ve never really been a dog person, I hate the wet slobber, the fur everywhere, and the chaos. Sure, there have been certain ones that have captured my heart, but somehow I’ve fallen so in love with these 2 boys that sometimes I just start crying happy tears.

Today, though, it’s not just the dogs. It’s my husband, my daughter, my sister, my friends, my parents. I know I have big feelings, but for some reason, this is the biggest explosion I’ve felt in a while, which has to be what my 7-year-old is trying to explain when she says she’s exploding with love.

My husband, the guy who has always known I was meant for big things, could do whatever I put my mind to. The guy who supports all of my craziest ideas with all that he can, even when he’s hesitant. He reminds me that I WILL fail, and that’s ok. But, if I never try, I’m going to regret it. 

Some days are so hard, I want to quit. My husband could find a better wife, someone who cooks and cleans better, makes more money, and loves him better. My daughter would be way better off with a Mom who can be firmer, less emotional, and more energy & fun.

Then, on days like today, out of nowhere, God opens my eyes to all the goodness. As I look out my office window and see the sun peeking in, the breeze blowing the tiny, brown leaves left on the trees, I can’t help but think of how truly blessed I am to have the life that I do.

When I was 24, my whole life changed. I became someone I had no idea how to be, and I pushed through the ups and downs, the good, the bad, and the ugly. My husband and I had our marriage tested in more ways than I ever imagined I’d have to experience, but here we are, still standing. And I love that man more than the day I met him. We’ve grown together, apart, and back together again and again. Honestly, I’m not sure how the man does it. I’m a complex human being, I don’t even get me most days, but somehow, he figures out just what I need and when I need it, and the times he just couldn’t figure it out, he knew how to ask, or just hold me. 

My chest just hurts, and maybe I need to let the tears fall to relieve the pressure. It feels like a panic attack, but a weird panic. Like, why me? Of all the people in the world, why did I get to have this beautiful life? And then the panic of, crap, I need to start appreciating this more, what if I lose it? And then the panic of, HOW do I appreciate it more? Do I need to do more, cook more, clean better? Do I need to plan more fun adventures, make sure we’re doing all the things, and get outside more? Or do I.. do I just need to stay more present, more available, make more intentional moments like sitting on the deck with a fire, telling my people what they mean to me, and show up for them more, but in my ways, without the pressure?

Oooh, that felt good. And for the first time, in a long long time, I wrote through the panic, the fear, the joy, the love. The overwhelming emotions are settling down as I take all of those thoughts out of my head, creating space to breathe and find joy. And yet another lesson learned. Thank you, Jesus.